Sunday, October 24, 2010


So this is very personal and stupid- those that do not like personal or stupid please find a fun twirly blog about fall pictures or piping hot cinnamon rolls. I don't have the energy to entertain you today.

I am such a nerd. I like order. So much that I have a notebook that I made and follow daily for MK Ministries. I am the office manager so I work from home. I have certain task that I do on certain days of the week.

I also have a second notebook for the things that I do at church and my personal life. John and I are the children's pastor, we help with the Spanish daughter work, and then there is the house, kids, groceries, gifts, cards, and the list goes on.

In my personal book- I follow the plan from motivated moms. Okay I am shaking as I type because this is such a personal nerd area for me. I hate for people to be all up in my business- but here it goes.

I follow my system. In my outlook I have my prayer list for people, Birthdays, anniversaries, reminders, schedules, and my to do list galore.

If I don't write it down it won't happen.

So why blog about it? This past week all of that has been in a whirlwind. As I sit and type I don't even know where those two notebooks are. There has been no plan, no schedule, no organization, nothing. I have been a full time Mom. I feel like I have failed in keeping up in anything. I have had to do things yes- but even while doing them felt like a drowning rat. Why? I guess lack of sleep, taking care of Emma around the clock, and working from a chair by her side vs. my regular work area. Don't get me started on my work area- that is another blog.

How do I feel about all of this? Well I was in tears today. I was not just in tears about my stupid schedule, my "plan", my system- but I was in tears because Emma could not hold food down. She would drink and throw-up, then try to eat and throw-up, and then did it all again. I have done laundry, talked to her, sang to her, and been with her for the past 5 days.

She looked at me today after throwing up and said- "Mom- you're the best." What was that? Well one of the most sweetest moments that you can experience ever as a Mom. I wiped her mouth off, changed her shirt, gave her a hug- and said, "Thanks for letting me be your Mom Emma."

Her little eyes had black circles under them and she looked so weak. She just looked up and gave me a thumbs up, a weak smile, and walked to the couch.

I don't have life under control- EVER. Even with my plans, resources, and notebooks. Life gets behind and swirls around me. I feel some days like I am just putting puzzle pieces together to exist. But I do know this- In quietness and confidence is my strength. HE loves me- Nerd T-shirt and all! Even in all of my failures and weaknesses he is my strength!

For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength" (Isaiah 30:15).


Kathy McElhaney said...

From one nerd to another - I love you! I have notebooks and lists - one for my piano students (or I would definitely forget what I assigned the previous week), I have a prayer journal (so I don't forget who I need to pray for), I track what I eat and how much I exercise, and the LIST goes on... ;)

Praying for Emma and Cylinda. So sorry your baby is sick, but she's right - you're best!

And I read this after posting a fun, twirly blog!!

Cylinda Nickel said...

Lol on the twirly blog- girl- we all need one every once in a while!

Riss said...

That is something you and I definitely have in common, Cy. We are our own brand of "control freak," in that we don't necessarily feel the need to control OTHER people's lives (in fact, we'd much prefer it if they just took care of business and stayed out of our way lol), but we NEED control in our own lives.

Don't feel bad... I have running lists everywhere. I have separate notebooks going right now for work, my thesis, school (non thesis), the class I'm teaching, and "life." And, inevitably, since I CLEARLY have no boundaries when it comes down to distinguishing between all of those facets of my life, things get cross listed.

But, you are doing a FANTASTIC job, no matter how frazzled you feel. I know Emma is thrilled to let you be her mom... and I'm ever so grateful to call you a dear friend.

Michelle Palmer said...

I totally get it. xo

Paula said...

Personal - yes. Nerdy - maybe in some small way. Stupid - definitely NOT. :)

Actually, I don't find it nerdy at all to have multiple lists/notebooks. :) It's just a relief to find that I'm not the only one! I tend to have LISTS everywhere...I think notebooks would be a better idea. Might have to start that. I make lists then forget where I put them and so I start another list. LOL

Love you, my friend! Nerd t-shirt and all!

Girly Muse said...

bless your heart. going through it over there.

i totally respect and admire your books. :) i'm a calendar/list lover myself as you KNOW and since you turned me onto motivated moms~ weehaw! ;)

it's okay to let it all go when the important things come up! the other important things can wait. xoxo