Friday, December 05, 2008


Have you ever been so down on yourself
Like yelling at yourself in your head?
Giving yourself a good chew-out- while silently smiling at others?
Gone through the how could you list- while encouraging someone else on the phone.
It makes you feel fake
Like somehow you are a bit of plastic.

I had lunch with someone today
Someone that I love dearly
While at lunch she was telling me that I amazed her
That I had my act together
I felt the plastic melting into my face and hairline even further
as I thought - really?
Is that what you feel?

I feel like a looser today
That I can't get caught up
That I will never get caught up
That I cheated and put 3 things down on my to-do list that I had already done
to make myself feel better

Then I got home
I found that I had 8 missed calls
My dear 7 year old was exploring with the silence button on my cellphone
I went to yell at her
and felt more plastic drip unto my lips
It sealed them. Tight. I knew to hold my tongue!

I don't always try to be overly transparent
but I don't want to be plastic either
I am not always good at it
That is what my head says at least

I had to stop
Even in the midst of frantic house cleaning
to put on a praise CD and worship.

Then I knew that HE was God
All was good
That maybe even though my head was screaming to me that I was not making an impact
That I was

I suddenly got an email
From a far away friend
Who said
Keep blogging
You don't know how on certain days
I long to read your blog
and that you minister to me
SO I STOPPED to thank the LORD
To Praise Him-
To Shove the voices out of my head
Give them to HIM
Clear the air-

and then blog

God is great
Even if you are struggling today
90% of the time the fears that you face
the doubts
the hesitations
are not even going to happen
they are not a reality.

Have no fear
Only believe
WITH GOD All things are possible.


As a disclaimer
I know that this blog is jumbled
Blurted out
Doesn't make a whole lot of sense
but there are such deep issues
that I can not discuss
Yet he knows them
and I know that I am a victor
with HIM today!

I love you all-

Now back to cleaning


Vonnie said...

Sometimes word vomit blogs are the best ones.
I love you ~

amberle said...

You never know is the misdst of the jumbled rambles who needed those exact words. As always, this one spoke to my heart.


Paula said...

Love you, girl!

Voice in the head. I hear them, too. But thank the Lord, He is greater than our heart and head.

You ARE making a difference!

Anonymous said...

Wow!I needed that today. Thanks so much.