Friday, December 05, 2008
Have you ever been so down on yourself
Like yelling at yourself in your head?
Giving yourself a good chew-out- while silently smiling at others?
Gone through the how could you list- while encouraging someone else on the phone.
It makes you feel fake
Like somehow you are a bit of plastic.
I had lunch with someone today
Someone that I love dearly
While at lunch she was telling me that I amazed her
That I had my act together
I felt the plastic melting into my face and hairline even further
as I thought - really?
Is that what you feel?
I feel like a looser today
That I can't get caught up
That I will never get caught up
That I cheated and put 3 things down on my to-do list that I had already done
to make myself feel better
Then I got home
I found that I had 8 missed calls
My dear 7 year old was exploring with the silence button on my cellphone
I went to yell at her
and felt more plastic drip unto my lips
It sealed them. Tight. I knew to hold my tongue!
I don't always try to be overly transparent
but I don't want to be plastic either
I am not always good at it
That is what my head says at least
I had to stop
Even in the midst of frantic house cleaning
to put on a praise CD and worship.
Then I knew that HE was God
All was good
That maybe even though my head was screaming to me that I was not making an impact
That I was
I suddenly got an email
From a far away friend
You don't know how on certain days
I long to read your blog
and that you minister to me
SO I STOPPED to thank the LORD
To Praise Him-
To Shove the voices out of my head
Give them to HIM
Clear the air-
and then blog
God is great
Even if you are struggling today
90% of the time the fears that you face
are not even going to happen
they are not a reality.
Have no fear
WITH GOD All things are possible.
As a disclaimer
I know that this blog is jumbled
Doesn't make a whole lot of sense
but there are such deep issues
that I can not discuss
Yet he knows them
and I know that I am a victor
with HIM today!
I love you all-
Now back to cleaning