Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I get so frustrated with myself for being frustrated with others......
I can get short, out of patience, and even hurtful sometimes with those that are around me.
Why does that happen?
The ones that I am to nurture
The ones that were given for my care
The ones that I would die to protect
I can harm with my tongue?
Yesterday was one of those days. I was told by Emma's teacher that she needed to start reading allowed to strengthen her reading. The whole process is similar to going to the dentist- but it seems to last longer and is done without the aid of numbing Novocaine.
She will stop in the middle of reading and want to talk, sing, comment, chat about what I am currently doing, and frankly find any way to just plain ignore reading. Yesterday I told her that every time she stopped I was going to add 2 minutes to the timer. That made her flustered. She then kept asking me to tell her every word that she did not know. She did not want to learn them herself, or sound the words out. She just wanted the answer.
I stopped her and said- This is your reading time. You have to learn to sound these words out. You have to do this- this is not my reading time. You are not going to be a stronger reader until you apply yourself.
She burst into tears. I said why don't you take five minutes and we will go from there. She ran into her room and cried. I felt immediately felt horrible.
What I was saying was actually the truth. It was her reading time- I was accurate in everything that I communicated to her but I was not doing it with love. I was doing it in frustration. The words had leapt out of my mouth, taken on the form of darts, and were piercing her one by one. The point that I was trying to convey was lost by my harmful delivery.
She was crying so hard I could hear her gasping for breath. You know what I mean- the hiccuping sound that you and I make when we are crying. The sound that comes out when you want to talk but you jerk each word to the point of nonrecognition. I knocked on her door and asked her if I could come in.
I put her in my lap and talked to her. I said Emma- I am sorry for the way I was talking to you. I really meant what I said but I said it the wrong way. I did not mean to hurt you. We talked some more and I asked her to forgive me for my shortness. Later on that night she finished the best 10 minutes in her reading history. I think she only asked for help on two words. She beamed when the timer went off. I noticed that I had not been holding my breath during the 10 minute reading time. What was the difference? The feeling of love, acceptance, knowing that someone was in your corner, and that her nest had been re-feathered.
How many times have I hurt someone with my words and have not even known it? I might have been too busy to stop and really listen to someone, or help them. Maybe a MK called with a need and I was trying to get the girls in bed, or was busy running around doing several things at once.
Last night I was on the phone with an MK who was in need. I stopped everything that I was doing and gave him 100% of my attention. After he talked for about 35 minutes he said- I am sorry for taking time away from you family. He then went on to say that he could get a hold of his Mom today and just needed to know that everything would be okay. He hung up by saying thanks for really listening and loving all of us.
After I hung up the phone I had to go find a quiet place to just steal away and pray. Lord help me to not quickly forget the lessons that I learned. Guard my tongue, open up my heart to share you love, your words, and your thoughts and not my own. Help me to pour confidence and value into others. Make me acceptable in your sight.
Does this mean that I have "conquered" this? Absolutly not. I am sure down the road it will happen again. I pray it is none to soon, and that I will hold my tongue, listen, and love.