Painful realization number 479.....

This week has been kind of an awakening week for me. Maybe because I have been trying to be in prayer, fasting, and listening more this week. Emma has things going on physically, we still don’t know about John’s job, and our house still has not sold…so once again I have that horrible pit in my stomach that says be transparent Cylinda. I love to laugh with the best of them and get so frustrated with the Lord when he tells me to open up. Why me I sometimes ask him- He quickly says why not.

So here goes. The Lord told me about 8 years ago that he would use me in a speaking ministry and in a writing ministry. This was told to me by a person who was used in prophecy, and also I had a word from the Lord myself before this had happened. There it’s out there. I said it. I used to speak when I lived in Little Rock at ladies events, at Apostolic (my old church) and sometimes in the district that I lived in. I married John and moved NC and knew not a person outside of John and his family. So then out of no- where I got asked about two years ago to speak at a lot of churches. I spoke at a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) ministry here in Matthews, NC- that lead to another referral which lead to another referral etc , etc. So these were all interesting speaking engagements which would require a whole other blog. Remind me later and I will blog about it. Let’s just say one time I got paid at a church of 450 with a coffee mug with the church logo and a box of peeps- and it was not close to Easter. At another church they had a quick breakfast before I spoke. While in the middle of a bite of my breakfast casserole I hear a loud voice proclaiming- IF anyone is eating the breakfast casserole please stop- I accidentally used my breast milk instead of the regular milk. I had to think happy thoughts all morning to make it through without losing it-literally.

So back to the transparent thing…..as I get more and more nauseated while typing. I really felt like the Lord told me this past week that HE was going to start opening up the doors this year for my speaking ministry- that 2007 was a year of loss, 2008 was a year of healing, and that 2009 was going to be a year new anointing. So I was like wow- what kind of pizza did I eat? Why do I feel this way? How will this happen? How does this figure in with my full time passion of MK Ministries? I felt like the Lord kept telling me that HE was going to take care of it. That the only reason he was letting me on this was to prepare me.
Again- bear with me

So this week I really doubted this recent word I had received from the Lord. Even though I felt doubtful the Lord kept saying lean on me- I will do this. On Monday I battled this in my mind thoughts of negativity tried to infiltrate my spirit. I rebuked it and claimed HIS Words. I did this for a day- and then one of my great far-away friends sent me an email that brought the change. My friend told me of a meeting that he was in and there was a tongues and interpretation that went out. The Lord said-

“I will direct you and guide you. Lose your identity and take on mine and let me have all that you are, and your resources and see what I will do for you.”

That was it. After reading this I stopped, wept, repented, rejoiced, and felt a new all at once. I asked the LORD to free me from ME. To let me lose Cylinda and to take on HIM- to be known as his identity. I repented of any “me” thoughts that I would have in my life.

I fear that we have become such a generation of self marketers that we forget it is not about us. We blog, we frantically try to post our articles to keep our name before eyes weekly, we try to build our circle of friends, add daily to our Facebook list, spend hours making videos of ourselves until we fall into an exhausted pool made from our own sweat and tears. I dare say that if we spent ½ of the time that we spend in self- broadcasting with HIM- we would truly have a mind-blowing relationship with the Lord.

Now please don’t miss-understand- there is nothing wrong with blogging, nothing wrong with finding your friends on facebook, filming videos etc- I just wonder sometimes what is the motive behind it all.

I have stopped and asked the Lord to cleanse me- wash me- to rid me of any part that is just concerned about the name Cylinda to please wash it. I know that this probably does not make sense- but I hope a tiny bit does.

Cleansed and on my new revelation of HIS POWER I ran errands yesterday. I prayed before I left that I would not get in the way of what HE needed to do through me while I ran errands. I left the neighborhood to get a care package for an MK. I stopped at Target to get the supplies; I then went to Wal-Mart to get the supplies for Kids Church. I thought wow this is going great- but was later upset as not one ministering opportunity arose in 90 minutes. I then heard the Lord’s voice. He said- go to ___________ and told me the store. I thought that is not in my plans. But it must be in his.

I went to the store and the owner was there. She has ½ price Yankee Candles- did I mention I love that shop? Well we began to talk and she began to tell me about her financial difficulties, her life changing decisions that she was facing, and stopped mid-sentence and said- I am so sorry I don’t know why I am pouring this all out on you- you are a Christian right? There is something different about you. I talked to her for about 10 minutes explaining I would be praying with her over these decisions, that I would check back with her and assured her that God had things in control.

I then went to the dry cleaners after I felt His nudge again. I walked in to find the lady behind the counter on the phone crying. She was telling someone that she could not be there any longer that her son was in the hospital and that she needed to leave. She was not getting the response that she wanted and her face was getting redder and redder. She hung up and apologized. I said no problem- I overheard about your troubles- can I pray with you? I did she cried more. Her son was only 9 and in the hospital. He had a strep infection that had gone too far. I told her that I would continue to pray and that she could call me any time. She had my number.

I went home feeling different. I felt Him telling me- that is what ministry is- you were my voice today to them. It was not your voice but mine. I cried again- praying that I would and could be used again.

Today I stopped by the dry-cleaners again- I had to check on the little boy. His mother was there again- she said oh it’s you. I said yes. She said I want to tell you- something happened last night to my son- he is out of the hospital today. Thank you for being there for me yesterday. I smiled and told her no problem and told her that I had the Kids at our Kids in Prayer group pray for her son last night. I was able to share the information about our church with her.

Please don’t miss-understand this blog. I just re-read it and am worried about how it sounds….I am not again against blogging, posting your blog on facebook as I do this often- I hope that this blog or anything else that I do will minister- but if it suddenly takes over and it becomes about me- Cylinda- instead of HIM- then it has to stop. Does that make sense? If I can lose myself in him daily- then I can be effective – but if I look in the mirror and see this 5’4” 40 year old cute but chubby lady- I have missed it –

Use me Lord- To show someone the way, to help, to be your hands and feet! Now back to fun blogging these serious ones are too transparent and cut deep. I am a work in progress- I think I have a construction sign on my head :)